dumb regrets

Have you ever done or said anything you regret? I'm pretty sure everyone has regretted doing/saying at least one thing in their lifetime. Well I regret letting go. I regret saying goodbye. I regret shutting the door to an opportunity I will never have again. I regret letting go of my best friend.

He was my everything. He used to tell me how beautiful I am. He was there for me through thick and thin. He was there for me when stick and stone broke my bones. He was there for me when I was happy. He was there for me when all I wanted was a hello. But I let him go. You see, he was more than a best friend to me but I can't quite put a label on what we used to have. I loved him. But I got, bored. He started going out till dawn he picked up smoking. He was rarely there for him when I needed him and honestly someone might've replaced him. But I regret all that now cause I just hit an epiphany: that no matter how hard I try, things will never turn out the way I wished and hoped it would and I was being a stupid naïve teenager.

Yes, I am filled with regrets. There's no turning back now.

a rush of blood

No one knows how passionate I am about patisserie. I just have this hunger to learn more and be the best. Cause apparently I'm no good in anything but pastry. I have that passion for baking and I know that I can prove it to everyone. Btw, knowing how to bake a basic cake or vanilla cupcakes does not mean you have the passion. No. You would obviously want to learn more before going to college I mean once you step into that patisserie kitchen in your desired university/college, you're simply introduced to a whole other meaning of patisserie!

I hate it when people self-proclaim themselves as a talented baker yet they don't know nuts. The fact that they don't know what icing to use for a cake or cupcakes for that matter just proves how little you know about baking! It irritates me that some people actually come up to me and ask me for recipes I use when in fact I am running a business. Its annoying. If you had the drive, passion and love as much as I do you wouldn't need to ask other people for recipes!

I'm not being a snobbish arrogant girl, no I'm not. This post does not mean I'm talented, no. Its just that you don't have to pretend to everyone that your hobby is actually your dream, your passion, your love. Not as much as I do that is. So little kid, just stop pretending and go find another dream else where. You're breathing all my air

ive had it

I've just reached my boiling point okay. I'm just so sick and tired of being treated like a punching bag every single time we get into a fight. I know la ok everything seems to be my fault ya you've got that straight. But just because its my bloooooooody mafaking fault it doesn't make it alright for you to just keep on budging at me like as if I don't have any feelings and no its not okay for you to just. Ugh just keep it at me like its okay for you to do so!!!!!!!!! No la okay I'm just so sick and tired of people thinking I don't have feelings. I mean yeah people screw up. all the time.

Just don't say things you'll regret la okay. Don't. Cause one day I might just decide to leave and never come back ok.

current obsession- Cat Eye Glasses

as free as a cockotoo.

EXAMS ARE FINALLY OVER WHAT A RELIEF.



So today I am very very very happy muahaha I have been happy lately and I am very grateful for that. So grateful to have so many wonderful friends in my life. Filled with so much laughter so much positive energy its just ineffable. I'm glad that I have friends who can make me laugh and laugh and laugh until it feels like I did some exercise lol (phat gurllll)
I am so very grateful and happy. Not so inspired to write today.

P/s: this post is dedicated to Amanda, Natalia, Imran, Yi Peng, Puteri, Pheonne, Lani and Mikie. Lub yu kais.

but baby its cold outside

Most teenagers leave school and they feel free like a bird just spreading its wings or a wild stallion just galloping away without a care in the world. And then when they see girls my age talking about love they're just like 'you're just sixteen, what do you know about love?'

This maybe sound a little overrated but I in fact fell in love with this silly, funny, witty, sweet, charming, lovely boy--when I was fourteen. And as crazy as it seems I don't really know when I'll stop loving him. Even if he tells me today that he doesn't love me and he finds someone else, someone better than me, I'll still have that one hand holding on to the edge of the cliff. Cause first loves are just not easy to let go.

I know that if it doesn't work out one fine day. Somewhere. Somehow. Out of a gazillion and one people, I will somehow pick him. And whether he picks me or not that's his decision to make and my hopes on the line.

It doesn't matter where you are, what you're doing, how nice you look, how expensive your meal was. Its about who you're with. Its about the love you share. And you know you're in love if you can just have a meal at mcdonalds and be so happy and loved up.

I love Qhairyl and whether he does or not, I'll never give up. I'll never walk away.

dream a little dream of me

I've always had this little creature in me that just wishes to lurk around mysterious places and just explore and discover new things, go on amazing adventures I know I'd never give a chance. I sometimes have this absurd imagination no one believes I have. I often talk to myself and often day dream about things I know would never in a million years happen and yet it makes me so happy. I sometimes get this ecstatic feeling--an adrenaline rush everytime I just create something in my head and then I just start jumping and screaming just to release everything out of my system. Yes I'm a little bit of a nincompoop, in a way.

I always wondered what it'd be like to live in the 1940's, 50's and 60's. It must have benn really phenomenal. The culture the music the ambiance the language. So I often day dream and just wonder what it'd be like. I sometimes wondered what if my mum got married to someone else? Or maybe what if I was born in a different era? Would I be a grandmother by now? All wrinkly and smelly like an old unwanted prune. I often wonder what the afterlife is like. Weather it what I've always imagined from all the books I've read.

I take myself to a different world. A world where I live by my imagination and by my imagination only. There was no such thing as a 'meantime' or a 'maybe' or anything of that sort. I just did everything there and then. Time is priceless. So is my imagination.

quote of the day

The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. - Dolly Parton

:-(

I miss qhairyl iyzmil so much and we've been so distant and all these constant fights I just feel like he think we won't work out and I'm just so afraid of him leaving me. I just need a sense of direction-- I need him to reassure me that he's never gonna leave me and hurt me like he did before and I don't think I can take that kind of pain ever again.

I love him so much and I know that its my fault that we've been having all these fights and I'd do anything to keep him from tearing me apart.

quote of the day

'We're going down and you can see it too. We're going down and you know we're doomed. My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room'-John Mayer

It feels like more than distance between us

I'm just so depressed and no this isn't the time I go 'I'm so depressed I'm so emo I'm gonna kill myself' no I'm not that pathetic. But yes, I'm just not myself you see. I'm just so tired of fighting and I need a getaway. I need a retreat. Well I can't have all that since I am only sixteen and I have my finals coming up and there's just nothing I can do and no one to go to.

Sometimes I like being in my own world where I'm all alone. Its just me and my imagination. I hear the walls talking the trees whispering and I know that I'm not alone. We never really are. But all we want is company. And sometimes all I need is company and company alone. But no one seems to want to keep me company. I'm not a nice person. I'm bitter. There's always a story behind every girl's tears and laughter. Bitterness and happiness.

In this case, it always starts with a boy. This kind of story always involves a boy. It may be good it may be bad. Either way your life doesn't end because a boy leaves you or if you guys fight.

Just move forward and try your hardest to work things out. But know that it takes two to become one. Relationships don't work being lopsided.

absence makes the heart grow fonder

Ugh I just miss my chewy so much and lately I've been such a meanie to him only to realise I'm not happy anymore and I want to be happy. And I should stop being a bitch. but right now at this exact moment I just miss him so much so so much :(

Till fate meets us both. I love you

cause lately ive been tired and uninspired

I miss being happy.

unappreciated specimen floating in thin air

This is not a long boring post. This is not a poetic post. This is not a long english essay.
This is me, ranting.


Everything I do is never good enough. I get scolding for everything I do. Every single thing. I'm too happy off in my own world and I never pay attention. Or when I'm having a bad day and I don't feel like talking to anyone, that's a crime. If I study my bloody brains off until they explode and blood gushing everywhere and if I don't do well, its a crime. When I'm having an emotional breakdown, its a crime. Its annoying. I mean, its my emotions. I can't control them. How is it that having an emotional breakdown disturbing your life in any way. Okay and then when my brother doesn't do something he's suppose to do its totally fine. But when I miss a spec of dust its such a big crime

I just need someone to fall back on I feel like I don't have anyone for that and no one really understands how I feel. I feel so under-appreciated. I feel like my existance is just a waste of time. Waste of space waste of oxygen waste of everything. I hate how I feel such weight on my shoulders that I can barely stand upright. When I think back. I have no one but myself. No one would ever understand how I really feel.


I am my own therapist.

insomnia......LOL JK

I BLOODY LOVE UNDISCLOSED DESIRES BY MUSE
I BLOODY LOVE TIRED AND UNINSPRIED BY MY AMERICAN HEART
I BLOODY LOVE SUPERMASSIVE BLACK HOLE BY MUSE
I BLOODY LOVE.... Okay. The list is endless

I love adele
I love muse
I love the beatles
I love the subways
I love john mayer
I love coldplay
I love the scripts
I love paramore
I love justin bieber
I love foster the people
I love young the giant

..And the list goes on. Cannot sleep ni la what happens. Adui. Okay goodnight! X

boiling point

I've reached a point where I don't think I can take it anymore. I've definitely reached my BOILING POINT. I can't stand how my brother is so tidak apa. He doesn't give a shit about my feelings and he doesn't do things sincerely like helping me out around the house when my mum is at work or talk to me nicely.

Again he forgot to wash my school uniform just because it wasn't in the laundry basket he just ignores the fact that my dirty uniform is hanging in my room. Or the fact that I asked him to mop the whole of downstairs and he just mops the living room and excludes the kitchen and wet kitchen which needs mopping so badly. I just want mummy to be proud of me and doesn't call me a hopeless useless daughter when she comes home but I can't do it on my own. I have to study too, finals are around the corner and how am I suppose to please my mum with my studies and house chores at the same time?

I've reached a point where I just wanna runaway from home and never come back. I can't take it.

a want and a need

I feel so low of myself like my friends are so much smarter than I am and here I am ranting about it on my blog yet I'm not doing anything about it. I hate how shitty I feel knowing I studied so hard and when I get the results I have not improved. Not even a bit. Sometimes I wonder is it because I'm lazy, or am I just stupid? Or maybe the teacher made me fail on purpose! Ah hah! That's right. Teachers make me fail on purpose cause they're so envious of my good looks and charms.....I wish.

I wish I was skinny and tall like all those stupid models on America's Next Top Model or Miss Universe. I just don't know how they live eating vegetables like a bunch of cows everyday. Only thing they don't look like cows whereas I do. I look like a hippo. I love food I love malaysian food I love eurasian food I love food. Who doesn't? I eat when I'm sad I eat when I'm hungry I eat when I'm stressed out I eat when I'm bored I eat for the sake of occupying myself. I think I should marry food. Food never breaks up with me food never let's me down food never makes my pillow all soaked in tears. I love food. But food makes me fat food makes me obese food makes me.... Its a love hate relationship.

I want a lot of things. But I already have everything I need. I'm healthy but not skinny. I'm short but I'm healthy. I'm not smart......ok I need to bulk up. But I should be grateful with what I already have. A roof on top my head clothes on my back food on the table water to drin k a family that loves me. Amazing friends. A guy that loves me unconditionally...I think. Haha.


Amin.

chewy

Hmf :( I miss him so much. Ugh. So so much I just can't sleep :( :(

That is all. I shall go to sleep with a bipolar face :(: because manchester united won!!
Glory glory man united and the reds go marching on on on! Buuut I miss him :(

:-*

get it right

'What can you do when your good isn't good enough? And all that you touch tumbles down.
Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of thing
I just wanna fix it somehow.'
Who do you go to when the person you rely on the most is the cause of your tears?

Bunch of shit I must say.

wondering what im even doing walking aimlessly in this cruel world

That moment when you're such a big disappointment to everyone and you feel like there's just only such a few people in your life to actually give you a reason to live. Like my mother for instance. I'm a big disappointment to her. I'm so useless. I help around the house but its never good enough. I'm probably the worst daughter anyone could have. I'm never good enough for her. I'm not smart. I'm fat. What mother wants a fat daughter? I'm rude. I have anger issues. And my father. He never sees me. He obviously think I don't have dignity. I'm probably a slut for having a boyfriend. Again I'm not smart.

I'm a disappointment to both my parents. But then I have my friends. And they still cheer me on.

But the minute you're a disappointment to the one and only boy you love is just. Its heart-wrenching okay. Its just the only person I can depend on gets so disappointed in me over something so small and then we fight and we fight and we fight. I mean, I avoid all these topics I know will lead to fights but he doesn't. And then suddenly its all my fault. I hate how everything is my fault with everyone. And I just don't wanna talk to him about my shitty days because somehow I'd just be selfish. I don't think I'll ever wanna tell him any of my problems anymore cause it hurt me when he told me I talk and I don't listen. What's the use.


So sick and tired of feeling sick and tired

Sweet Sixteen

I wanna give a special shout out to my adorable friend, Lee Min Hui!

Happy Sweet Sixteen Munchkins! Have a splendid day with all your loved ones.<3
Don't forget to bring some birthday cake to school muahahaha.

<3

you better run better run faster than my bullet

I don't know why lately I've just been feeling so irritated and frustrated at anybody and everybody$ for no apparent reason. Okay so I'm a straight forward person right. And sometimes I feel like I come off as a rude bitch. That I don't even see myself as a nice person and when I'm rude my friends think its funny but sometimes I may hurt people's feeling without realising I am. And I don't care. But that's just me. I don't like sugar coating my words. I don't like to tell people things they want to hear when in fact its not what they're suppose to even hear even though it sounds nice and it makes them happy. I mean hey, expections lead to down fall. So why expect for the most when you should be expecting for the worst?

Like sometimes when my friend asks me 'how's my hair?' And I go 'it looks like a raccoon just gave birth on your head' 'why so bad la you. I want you to tell me its nice' "but its not..." Okay so I might've cancelled out the raccoon part but why should I let my friend walk around in embarrassment not knowing her hair looks like a train wreck?

Or if my friend tweets something like 'I'm craving for spageti carbonara' and I go like "its spaghetti." And she gets all offensive I mean hey, I'm trying to save you from embarrassment or what if you have a big test coming up and you wanna write spaghetti and you spell it as SPAGETTI' hm. Oh well.

So I'm a bitch. I've got a mouth like a laser. At least I'm honest. Okay maybe too honest. But that's just who I am. And I'm not proud of it but no one can change me. Its part of who I am and anyways its too late for change.

Whatever happened to 'honestly is the best policy'? Life~

I hate fighting. especially with my best friend. i hate it when im fighting with my own best friend and I have no one to go to about it. i hate that feeling and sometimes theres no way i can change it because sometimes best friends fight and then after awhile they kiss and make up. or in other cases they dont kiss and make up

i just hate it when people take advantage of my emotions. they know how to get the best of me and they know how emotionally upset i get even over a small word like 'youre useless' or 'youre fat'. and thats when i just feel like exploding because i just hate it i mean sometimes i really do feel like im 'buried six feet under screams and no one seems to hear a thing'.

but what i hate the most is when people tell me i dont give a shit. i just hate it. i mean sometimes dont show it but i do okay. i just sometimes dont know what to say kinda like sometimes you dont know how to cheer people up. sometimes i get all caught up in awkward situations and sometimes im just a vapid bitch. girls~

i may be a bitch sometimes and i have a sharp mouth but i do have a heart.

I DO CARE.

what even

I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt. So sexyyyy

Half a century + 4!

Happy 54th Independance Day Malaysia!

'There's no place like home' I've always believed in that saying. I mean as much as you love London or Italy or anywhere else, you will always miss your rice. Your sambal belacan and the broken english we all grew up speaking. Early morning you'll find anyone and everyone at a mamak or a chinese coffee shop having teh tarik and nasi lemak. That's classic malaysian cuisine! Or there's a traffic jam and everyone starts honking knowing there's no reason to because honking won't solve the problem. And if the problem was solved people would just wind down their window and go 'what la you!!' Or 'apa ni. haktuih!' Typical.

Eventhough the present government is so screwed up all because of that shit pig face and his wife the clown, malaysia is still malaysia. I love the people. I love the ambience . I love the food. I love the weather.

There's No Place Like Home.

Merdeka! Merdeka! Merdeka!

(Lol over semangat bnut actually not really semangat oso. Hahahaha okay.)

Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir dan Batin!
I'm starting to blog again because of a certain someone muehuahaha.
Anyways, how was your first day of raya 2011? Mine was sort of sad since my cousin, Abang Khairi is back in hospital. It's a long story haha. So spent the whole morning gobbling everything up. Raya--thats the best part of raya. The food. The glorious scrumptious food. Food you only get once a year.

That's not all. Think about all that $$$. Damnson. Only time of year you get money from your family and total strangers who claim themselves to be your relatives. Oh well its still money. \($.$)/

But the best part about Syawal is getting family together. Gathering your loved ones--friends, cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents, siblings, parents, teachers, etc. Its about aplogising to people for your wrong doings. I mean, there's no harm in apologising any time of the year and time of the months any time of the day of the hour of the minute. But sometimes people gather up their confidence to apologise for all their wrong doings. Apologise to people they've fought with whether they're standing in the right or the wrong. Just to make things better. Before its too late.

So I hope you guys made your apologies. Paid your do. Remember have a nice time during this festive month of Syawal and you can never be too careful while playing with your firecrackers!

Xoxo

better late than never

I was suppose to post this two days ago but I guess I was too busy to have noticed that I saved it as a draft and I forgot to actually post it! Anyways..


Happy 14th Birthday little Jo! :-)

I guess growing up wasn't that easy for you since you have a sister who's been in the liume light ehem. Eventhough we fight a lot, and when I say a lot I mean A LOT, I still love you little brother. You're always there to listen to my problems eventhough you.. Don't really say anything haha but I don't care atleast you listen to my problems and that's good enough. Even when I burn my cupcakes you try to make me feel better. And you're my personal slave hehe. I love you johann haziq <3

forgiveness

we should always forgive. we might not forget but forgiving is the key to happiness as well. other than telling the truth or just giving in. i know I've done so many things in the past for people to not even want to forgive me but we're all humans here. i was hurt by someone i really really loved and as angry as i am, I'm willing to forgive him for everything he has done. yeah sure he has poached my heart but that's beside my point. my point is forgiving someone sincerely let's go a big grief and your shoulder sort of feels lighter.

forgiving doesnt mean things have to go back to normal. it just means that you forgive that person and just let go. as logn as you're in talking terms then everything is fine. i've forgiven my ex for what he's done but that doesn't mean im not hurt on the inside. it doesn't mean im still sad or angry. it just means i've made another person's day. i just wish for everyone to see that i'm not a bad person. i'm not mean. i know ive made my mistakes but like i said, forgiveness brings happiness. happiness leads to peace.

free hugs xo

Meet my buddy, Azrai :-)

i was bored.

what am i?

im just a girl dreaming to become a writer

im just a girl dreaming to open my own bakery

im just a girl dreaming to have a lovely, perfect husband

im just a girl.

face the fact honey,

i was in love. no it wasn't puppy love, i swear i could smell real love in the air. he could make me feel so many different emotions at one time, as no one has done so to me ever. he made me feel alive, he made me see the world clearly. i really thought he was the one. how stupid was i to believe in forever and ever. But i was just a young naive bitch who was a sucker for love. of course he left me.

ive been trying so hard not to think about him but what do you do when you were with a guy for almost 2 years right. but thats no excuse. he, well he obviously moved on with some anon college girl. whom he proclaims to be the hottest girl on campus. it bothered me yes it did. i mean uh hello i am the dumpee.what do you expect coming from a sixteen year old girl who was sucked into all this madness. creating her own illusion of a happy ending. a happily ever after she's always dreamed of having. well guess what i didn't need love and hey look, im still alive. still happy.

im someone who does not believe in happy endings. life ends with death. tell me how thats happy. so yeah, happy endings does not exist. they only do in fairytales and one day im gonna tell my daughter that happy endings does not exist. forever does not exist. because i wanna prevent her from crating a fantasy and somehow get hurt in the near or distant future. i know i sound mean but hey i wish my mum had done so when i was a kid so i didnt believe that there was hope to be with this douche bag forever.

so i try keeping myself occupied like right now, blogging. it really keeps me away from thinking about him. expect this post though, it is about 'love' and 'him'. but whatever. when life gives you lemons, make apple juice, if you catch my drift.

free hugs xo

help world, im alive.

im back. i decided to delete all my posts since it all regarded my ex and whatever. yes i used to blurt all my feelings about my ex on my blog. helped calm me down every time i missed him. we're obviously not together anymore but still friends though :)

i will be back. wont blog much since my computer is down. love you guys.