just needed a dash of inspiration on my blog.

crank.

Thoughts bulleted in my brain, ricocheting. Creative side to practical side, lustful half to hateful half. Through a keyhole, I found myself in a meadow. Brilliant green bneneath a soft wash of sunshine. I moved at a near sprint, drawn toward a symphony, primitive passion. Some movement gave me away. Exquisite feline eyes found me in the grass-- golden eyesn flecked green. He purred and she looked up. I gasped at her face. My face.

Red and raw like my brain, unable to shut down, throughts crashing like electrons orbiting a nucleus of duelling emotions. The monster will forever speak to me. And today, its calling me out the door.

i dont hold grudges

You really hurt my feelings real bad this time and I know I'm not suppose to give you a second chance (eventhough you've already hurt my feelings once and I've already given you a second chance). I'm just not the sort of person to hold grudges. I know I would want a second chance when I screw things up. But its just...how could you?

You just made it impossible for me to feel the same way I did before. You're just like all the other guys. I really thought you were different. Thought you were one-of-a-kind. (Well you are in a way) agh I just can't believe I actually allowed myself to fall into your trap. I'm just another rabbit waiting to be skinned. Embarrassed. Ashamed.

Sometimes--no. I always wonder whether you force yourself to talk to me. Force yourself to keep up with the conversation. Force yourself to laugh at my jokes. Force yourself to put up with me. You don't have to anymore, you know. You never did. If I wasn't interesting enough then just leave. Get up and walk away.

nothing's right, im torn.

I was just another prey waiting to be caught in another one of the hunter's trap. Waiting to be skinned. Waiting to be ashamed. Waiting to be missed. Will I be missed, though? Will my absence be of any importance to anyone? Will anyone care if I wander off into nothingland and never come back?

A million and one questions I always ask myself. And yet I never seem to find the answer cause only you can be the judge of all that. I can't predict or say what you feel or want. Your desire your angst your courage your sorrow. All you.

I should have stopped at Hello. I should have known it was all a trap. I should have known I was another one of your preys. I should have known you would have never felt the same way about me. I should have known I was not good enough. I should have known I was not pretty enough. I should have known I was not funny. I should have known I was not your type. I should have known. I should have known.

To be honest, you really were the spark to my everyday fire. You were what made me, me. You brought the best out of me. You found a way to make me happy. You found a way to make me feel good about myself. You found a way to make me laugh. You found a way to make me smile. You found a way to make me happy. -- you found a way to make me insecure. You found a way to make me sad. You found a way to make me hate you. You found a way to make me have a gut feeling everytime I see you. You make me feel.

You ruined all that. Like glass. Shattered into a million pieces. Fixable but not perfect.

I'm torn.

nothing's right, im torn.

I was just another prey waiting to be caught in another one of the hunter's trap. Waiting to be skinned. Waiting to be ashamed. Waiting to be missed. Will I be missed, though? Will my absence be of any importance to anyone? Will anyone care if I wander off into nothingland and never come back?

A million and one questions I always ask myself. And yet I never seem to find the answer cause only you can be the judge of all that. I can't predict or say what you feel or want. Your desire your angst your courage your sorrow. All you.

I should have stopped at Hello. I should have known it was all a trap. I should have known I was another one of your preys. I should have known you would have never felt the same way about me. I should have known I was not good enough. I should have known I was not pretty enough. I should have known I was not funny. I should have known I was not your type. I should have known. I should have known.

To be honest, you really were the spark to my everyday fire. You were what made me, me. You brought the best out of me. You found a way to make me happy. You found a way to make me feel good about myself. You found a way to make me laugh. You found a way to make me smile. You found a way to make me happy. -- you found a way to make me insecure. You found a way to make me sad. You found a way to make me hate you. You found a way to make me have a gut feeling everytime I see you. You make me feel.

You ruined all that. Like glass. Shattered into a million pieces. Fixable but not perfect.

I'm torn.

I have thought about suicide. That's sometimes normal, I guess? I just sometimes don't see why people have to beat me up about everything. My mum for instance, gets so mad at me when I'm having my own problems. Sometimes I don't wanna talk about it and that doesn't mean you have to force me to do so. And then give me the cold shoulder for not telling you and not being happy? That really isn't gonna make things any better.

I have my flaws. I vent. I say the wrong things to people and no I'm not saying that makes me any better than my mum or anyone for that matter. But its something I do that I've got to change. I don't mean what I say, most of the time, and even if I do, I know for sure that I want to take it all back.

I shouldn't let my emotions take over me like a monster (crank) take the life out of Katherine. Cause the monster didn't do nice things to me and I'm sure my emotions won't either.

Things people say that gets on my nerves

Indirectly speaking this is, yes, a rant post.

1) 'I don't have a Valentine for valentine's day! :'(((('
First of all, what the hell could possibly go wrong if you don't? You bimbos do know that there are worse things that could happen to you than not having a valentine, right? What, do you guys suddenly find the cure for cancer the minute a guy/girl asks you to be his/her valentine? *i don't have a valentine now I'm now gonna find the cure for cancer umf :((((* no. Just no. You'll live.

2) 'I wanted an LV bag but my mum just bought me a Guess bag. WTF??? I hate my life'
You should be bloody grateful that your parents can even afford to put a roof above your head and clothes on your back and food in your tummy. All the other pleasures are just a bonus. You should be grateful. People in third world countries can't even afford food and can barely even call the place they sleep Home. So, stfu.

3) 'are your dumb? Seriusly. you're english is sucks'
HAHAHAHAHA WHY NOT JUST STFU CAUSE YOU SOUND WORSE.
NIMROD.

4) *after a football game and your team loses* 'that was just unfair. The referee was so paid to make them win. And our team was tired it was so obvious' blablablablabla so on and so forth.
OKAY, so why not just admit defeat and stfu? Whatever happened, happened. Nothing you say or do can improve their skills or whatsoever. Sure you're pissed cause they lost but really do you actually have to make up so many excuses cause in your eyes they are 'THE AWESOMEST TEAM EVAAAAAH' yeah sure everyone feels that way about their favourite team.


So that's 4 so far. And to be honest I got all this from Twitter.
Conclusion: SOME PEOPLE ON TWITTER ARE IDIOTS

Book Review #3: Crank

This is gonna be real brief cause I'm in a hurry. On saturday I went out with my family and I just had to splurge on books. I bought Crank. Its about a girl meeting new people being a new person doing new things; drugs.

She calls the drug 'The Monster' and she has this alter-ego thing going on when she's high on crank. Its a really good book and a definite page-turner. Its also unique. Definitely recommended.

more like all the time

Sometimes I actually wonder who my real friends are. Sometimes I feel like I have no one to trust. Sometimes I just want to be alone. Sometimes I just want good ol' company. Sometimes I just rather be dead. Sometimes I just want to runaway. Sometimes I just want to be happy.

Book Review #2: Shadow Kissed (A Vampire Academy novel)

So I've just finish reading this book about a couple of days ago but I didn't blog about it instantly cause to be honest, this book really had a huge effect on me.

Anyways I felt like an idiot thinking this was the VA book #2 when actually its book #3 so omg I accidentally skipped a book! Hahaha (dumbo) well I'm not gonna give out any spoilers just in case any of you want to consider reading this book (if there are 'any of you' as in if I have any readers lol)

Is it possible for one to love a fictional character? Really I'm just so moved by what happened I really wish Dimitri Belikov existed. Richelle Mead really did a good job at that I must say. But ugh I mean I feel so frustrated that I'm so alone and reading books day and night that I end up falling in love with fictional characters. (Maybe its just a bookworm thing)

I love this book and it is my biggest obsession (no, I don't have an obsession for vampire I just love this book in particular) one thing about this book is that you've got to be really open about things. There's stuff like sex and blood bath in it and you can't go like 'ew skip skip skip' where the hells the fun in that? So yeah I love this book series and I don't mind reading it again. But at the moment I have 11 unread books and I think I'm gonna finish 3 of them before moving on to 13 Reasons Why :-) and after that book I'll continue reading VA.

My love for books have gone to a whole nother level.

tales of an exasperated teenager

I've been so emotionally tired and fragile lately. I just realised how long it has been since I last hugged someone. I haven't gotten a meaningful hug from anyone for a long time and it really stings. Cause everyone needs a hug. Sex and age can't get in your way.

and I took a test which told me that I'm suffering from severe depression disorder. What does that even mean? I'm only 17 and I already feel this way. I'm suppose to be happy, out and about. Instead I'm still single, sitting at home, reading book after book and not spending my last year of high school like how you're suppose to.

I sometimes feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. And even if I do sometimes I don't know if I can actually trust them. Will they use my problems and secrets against me? Will they hurt me knowing I trust them with my feelings and emotions? I don't anymore. I feel like I'm always there for people and no ones there for me. Everyones either to busy with life or just don't give a shit.

I miss Qhairyl Iyzmil. Once upon a time, he was my everything. He was my big break to happiness. He was my best friend. But really, where do we stand now? He's not here for me now.he's too busy. he yet again, broke his promises. I might have let him go, but I do have my reasons. I'm just not ready to let anyone abuse my vulnerable heart. I'm not ready for another break up. I'm not ready for the constant crying.

What does it take for a teenage girl to get some loving?

exasperated

I am honestly mentally and physically and emotionally tired. Spm is really killing me and its only what, the third week? All this is just one big joke. I mean I know none of my friends have actually really started studying but I mean if I want to win the race, I've got to be the turtle. Does that make sense? Yeah I mean I'm not the brightest student and I've got to catch up with my friends. But that doesn't mean I've got to be hammered and drilled and has to be studying 25 hours a day. That's insane. I've got to like balance my life, no?

I don't see why I can't have a 'social life' (pfsh like I actually have one) and my studies. I don't see why parents have to suck the fun out of everything. Then again, they're parents. What to do, what to say. I know they're just worried sick about us and want the best for us and I know one day I'm gonna thank my mum for all this but I'm just going crazy and yes I've said this about a gazillion times but its only the 3rd week of school! That's just...sigh. I'm going back to my rabbit hole. Hm tally-ho!

hardly on the seabed.

I walked into my room and there it was. A box. it was a scarf. And I thought who'd want to give someone a scarf? And he told me 'that's not your gift, dummy' and he blind folded me. I so eagerly wanted to know where we were headed. But the breeze. The smell of fresh air. I knew we were headed somewhere wonderful;magical. I got out of the car and I could hear the waves lapping, the sound of sea gulls overhead. The smell of the ocean. I immediately knew where we were. He untied the blindfold and he set out a picnic for me. Just what I needed. A whole day with him, just him and I. No one else but the sea gulls and the warm summer breeze.

We watched the sunset together and listened to coldplay all night and talked about all our favourite books. And then I witnessed the most magnificent ineffable thing ever, something we could never get in the city-- the stars. It just overwhelmed the sky and I felt so happy. He told me to stop, and capture this exact moment. 'Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones', he sang. He told me to never leave this place we're in. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to be with him for as long as I could.

And then suddenly.....I woke up. I just knew that this was more than just a crush.

Book Review #1: Perks of Being a Wallflower

Before I begin my review of that book I'd like to tell you what I did today!

Went to Summit with Yi peng and we studied accounts (it was pretty productive) and I bought a new book to read yay. Its the second Vampire Academy book: Shadow Kiss. I'm so excited to indulge in this old obsession of mine. The only logic vampire book,really. So I had a really good time, had a lot of laughs (was kinda afraid I'd choke on the bubble tea I was drinking). Wish I could post an outfit of the day picture! But I'm using my phone (damn flibbit)

Anyhooo, I finished reading perks about a day ago. Surprisingly, looking at how thin the book is, I finished it in 3 days. I mean come on with my busy schedule? I deserve a round of applause *throws confetti*. So okay I rate the book an all in all, a good 8/10. First of all I guess you've got to be open minded to read it cause it contains some sex scenes, drugs and other stuff like getting wasted with *space cakes and alcohol at the age of 15. I don't mean this in an offensive way (I have come across malaysian's who think they're caucasian just cause they're of mixed parentage) but come on, they're Americans what do you expect? They live life to the fullest, carefree. *space cakes are brownies with weed in them.

All in all it really is a good book and to be honest, I don't think Charlie (main character) is a wallflower at all. He just has a unique way of think and speaking and sticks to one crowd. (Tbh I'd definitely date a guy like him haha open to so many things yet very reserved) I'd totally recommend this book and omg the movie is coming out so that's a +1 :-) enjoy!

I sometimes wonder what other people are thinking. Why they pick this or sing that or do this or say that. That's what sets us apart isn't it? But sometimes I wonder what makes a person so bitter, so negative. Were they not loved as a kid? Do they have problems at home? Or are they just plain negative?

I was reading Perks of being a Wallflower and it really made me change my perspective on things. I used to whine about how fat I feel yet I'm not doing anything about it (I'm starting soon I swear haha mum got me a personal trainer) (omg what if he's hot?) (Doubt it) anyways I mean it is true though, other people have it worse than I do and all I can do is complain my butt off.

I have gone through the whole bullying phase and to be honest, it doesn't make you feel nice. They talk bad about you they humiliate you they make fun of you they make you feel like pure shit. Yes I said the 'S' word, kids. (Lol)

Just lay of the snarce comments and you'll make everyone else around you happy. I'm just saying cause people have written really awful things about me and I just don't see why I should fight back, right? Lay off.